I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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