when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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