You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
