I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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