I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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