see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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