I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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