I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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