he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Randomize
