if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
