My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
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