Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
