I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
