It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
