My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
