my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
