the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
