i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
