I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
