If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.