i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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