Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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