the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
