P.S. I can't hear my feet
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
