youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
