I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
