If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
