Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
