birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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