It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
