dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
