She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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