Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
your like the ambassador to my penis.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school