i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.