Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
