he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
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quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
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You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.