Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.