The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
