i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
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I have surprise drugs for everyone
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Use "feeling words"
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
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His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.