i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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