I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
