Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
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Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
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I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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