She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
