what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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