Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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