I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
The Olympian is in my bed
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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