mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
