Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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