I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Randomize
