about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
