I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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