don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
