He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
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To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
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His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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