since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
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Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
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In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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