so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
